Memories and Other Garbage

The other day I found a folder filled with memories from that trip we took together. I was cleaning out the cabinets in my kitchen, throwing things away that didn't need to clutter my life any longer.

I threw that folder away.

I forgot I had saved those things from so long ago and honestly don't know what I had planned to do with them at the time. The hotel confirmation. Our itinerary. A few postcards from the area. Our airline tickets.. with seat assignments printed on the front, serving almost as proof that we sat next to each other.

Guilt swept over me as I tossed the pictures from that underwater camera we used into the pile of waste. We looked really happy in those photos and seeing the smiling images placed on top of trash seemed wrong. Soon the happy beach scenes were covered with an old coffee maker, the box my cell phone came in and other garbage. I don't think of the memories as disposable waste so it feels incorrect to destroy them yet pointless to hang onto them. What am I going to do, frame the pictures? Keep the folder inside my cabinet under the phone book? These memories are fond in my mind but not necessary in their physical form. Still, aborting the tangibles feels strange.

Down the garbage shoot.

..and now,
no proof that our seats were together. Nothing to show that we sat beside each other for a moment in time.

..and for now,
I travel alone.

M.db

Costco

I went to Costco today. I seriously have no business being a member of that store. I live in a 1 bedroom condo in the city. There's no room in my home for the 500lb bags of everything they sell. I'm not feeding a family of 10 and I don't operate a restaurant. Even still I generally go once every couple months when I run out of things like paper towels or of course if I simply feel the need to buy 2 gallons of mayonnaise.

Today it was paper towels, toilette paper, sodas (about a billion cans), Heineken Light (about a billion bottles), bottled water (see the trend? about a billion bottles), a 12-pack container of Orbitz gum, huge bottle of vodka (it just happened.. wasn't planned) and a case of Tazo organic iced green tea that lauren was just talking to me about.

When I got in the elevator at my building with the cart full of enormous-sized groceries, a lady sharing the 'vator with me said "where on earth do you have room to keep all that?" I replied "I don't.."

The truth is, I do have a really large utility closet in my bathroom that can house the overflow of bottled water, sodas or anything else that there's no room for elsewhere. Under the bathroom sink is where, surprisingly, all of the toilette paper fit. I hope no one opens that cabinet until the stash has dwindled a bit. It's full. Side to side, top to bottom. It looks like I either have a toilette paper obsession or I'm anticipating some serious stomach problems in the near future.

I have to go start using some of this stuff up so there's more room.
M.db

Sprinklers

Last night I had dinner with Brian. After I dropped him off I decided to take a drive rather than head straight home. I went south on Lake Shore Dr. and watched the Chicago skyline rise up to meet me, a crystal clear night. I drove through the relatively quiet streets of the Gold Coast neighborhood and passed the first place I called 'home' in this city. It was so routine, driving my old streets, that I could make each turn blindfolded if required. I could pull into my old garage without skipping a beat and it would seem routine, yet it's a billion years ago. Fresh, brand new, knowing no one.

I almost felt silly for feeling a bit nostalgic over a time period that is only a few short years ago. None the less I reflected on how much life differs now and the amount of change/growth that can occur in a relatively short time span.

Cliche, I know, but some things also never change. In the driveway of my old building sat the car of the driver who frequented the building to pick up clients but also just to chat with the doorman that he was friends with during his off hours. Three years later, he's still stopping by. That was comforting to me for some reason. To know that not everything moves on. Someone else is living in #1407 though.

I couldn't help but to also think of my first true friend in Chicago. A friend who was my neighbor in that building. My comfortable stand-by companion, my pal. A friend who received all of me, both good and bad. A friend I counted as a lifer. A friend who has since moved out of that apartment building and moved out my life as well. Now, an occasional lunch together feels more like meeting up with a childhood friend you haven't seen in years. One you used to run through the sprinklers laughing with as a kid, inseparable closeness every day, but now have nothing in common with as an adult. A quick catch-up on the highlights of each other's lives since we last spoke. A catch-up on the life that the other one is not included in anymore. It feels awkward, sitting across from a person who used to know your every move, understand each fear, happiness and pain you experienced but now is as much of a stranger as your hair stylist. Someone who gets the updates about once a month when you're scheduled to meet. Life is peculiar, Choices are made.

This weekend I ran into a guy that I used to be, but by choice am no longer, friends with. I said hello but I was ignored. There he stood with the same significant other as 2 yrs. prior. The same one who he constantly complained to me about. Still holding grudges and pretending people don't exist like a 7th grader. It phased me for about 20 minutes. Then I realized where I'm at and how I feel with my current life. How different I am from the new guy in town who was his friend. I'm miles from that Mason now. The passing of time has not benefited or changed that old friend, or I can at least assume this from his actions. That, to me, is depressing. But with some people I don't mourn a friendship lost. He was never a lifetime friend in my book, but rather a relationship meant to last only a season. Something I realized later, of course.

Others.. well it's harder to let go of them when you figured they would never leave your life. Brian reminded me at dinner why he doesn't have many female friends. If you're not in a romantic relationship with them, they will use you to fill a purpose for a time and someday, inevitably, pack their bags and walk out on you without looking back. Though I know it's not true for everyone, he's still right, I've had it happen before. It always feels like betrayal to me, I don't give of myself to many. That doesn't make the time spent together any less special nor does it mean it was an insincere relationship on either persons part. Rather, it simply is what it is.

There's always the good times to look back on. The days of running barefoot through the sprinklers, if you will.
M.db

Counter Lickin' Good

I just saw a preview for a new movie starring Ryan Philipe (or however the hell you spell his f*ed up name) and was thinking about how him and Reese Crazy-chin-witherspoon aren't together anymore. Breaking up is hard enough when you have to see the person around town. I mean I know when I sever ties, in some cases, I wish the person would just move to China or something rather than me having to run into them at Walgreens when I'm picking up face wash, coffee filters and a Cadburry Cream Egg. But imagine having a Hollywood break-up? The person you break up with would appear in your living room on a movie preview when you're just trying to enjoy a quiet Friday night on the couch watching TV with a cup of coffee and perhaps eating a Cadburry Cream Egg?! You can't really avoid a person when they weasel their way in front of your face via channel 12.

You know what phrase I am utterly and disgustingly tired of hearing on TV? "Women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant." Every medication advertised in the entire world is not good for "women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant," just fyi, and they say it on every commercial while listing the side-effects. And, since women are the only sex of the two sexes that can actually get pregnant.. aren't all women under the blanket of "may become pregnant?" Maybe not, I don't know, just something to think about. (Please don't post a comment saying "no they mean women who are trying to get pregnant.. and besides some women can't have children." I know, I get it, it's called a rhetorical question).

So, with Southwest Airlines' recent issues with safety inspections/violations in mind (much of which I feel is unfair as they were made an example of over something that is widespread throughout the airline industry, but that's another story) they need to change their slogan from "You are now free to move about the country" to "You are now free to move about the country at risk of this plane disintegrating in mid-air."

Dear girls of the world,
Not everyone can pull off that outfit of the matching Juicy Couture velvet-like sweat pants and matching zip-front jacket. Please make sure you are one of the girls who can indeed pull it off before you slide that thing on over your fat ass and prance around town like you're in pajamas. I'm tired of seeing you look like you rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago yet somehow managed to put sunglasses on but not make anything else about you presentable.
Love,
Me.

Something that is so typically me is trying to do things myself, or make some sort of improvement in my home, yet in the process causing bigger problems than those I was trying to solve in the first place. Example: I am the type of person who will try to save the money of hiring a painter by painting my living room myself. Instead, I end up spilling paint all over the floor thus requiring the floors to be re-done and costing more money than it would have to just hire someone else (a professional someone else) to do the paint job for me in the first place. This particular example never happened, but it's just an example. Tonight I decided to clean my kitchen and thought I'd be EXTRA clean and Windex the counter even behind the coffee maker and the wine rack. Instead I made an even bigger mess than I was trying to clean as I pulled the wine rack towards me and a wine bottle slid out of the back of the rack and shatter all over the counter. 750ml of red wine began to flow in every direction, down the cabinets and raced its way towards both my laptop and the stack of work papers that were nearby. A quick clean-up of the kitchen turned into a roll of paper towels wasted, a t-shirt ruined and about 20 minutes of additional work. Proving my point again: less headache if I just hire someone else to do it, even if "it" is just cleaning my damn counters. Of course the broken wine bottle wasn't one of the three bottles of cheap "2 Buck Chuck" wine from Trader Joe's. No, it was a bottle some friends brought over one night when I hosted them at my place. I had been saving it to drink later and looked forward to trying it. I loved the bottle shape, too. I almost licked some of the wine off the counter (not lying) just to taste the wine I had been saving for weeks. There were tiny pieces of glass everywhere though, so I figured it might not be a good idea.

I bought a chair today that I had to assemble myself (another thing someone else should do for me). A 10 minute process turned into over an hour of happy-fun-project time because the chair (my luck) was put together incorrectly so, long story very short, I had to drill my OWN holes in the wood with my own power tools to put the thing together properly. The chair was such a bargain but by minute number 47 into the assembly I wished I had just paid 900 bucks for a chair at Room and Board and called it a day. I'm happy with it now though.

Well, that's about all.
M.db

Commitment Issues

I sit here at my desk, which has a couple shelves above it, and see 10 books lining the 2nd shelf above my laptop. I started reading about 5 of those books and got to about chapter 4 (on average) and put the book down. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy what I read, I think I just have a commitment problem with reading. If I were 11 years old someone would probably diagnose me (along with all of my other peers who were lazy like me) with ADHD and throw some aderol down my throat twice a day. No it's not ADHD, but rather I truly think I have a problem committing to certain endeavors.

If I miss one appointment with the dentist for example, I have the hardest time rescheduling. I feel like just changing dentists all together and calling it a new day. I once got too busy to keep up my regular schedule of visiting the Chiropractor I was seeing. The receptionist would call to reschedule and let me know I had missed my appointment. I ignored the calls and switched to a different Chiropractor a couple months later. Why?! I'd hate if someone did that to me. Couldn't make an appointment with me and then just switched Realtors rather than saying "oh i got busy, let's try again."

I tend to just back slowly away from things once I get far enough along that it starts to become routine and I've either A.) tired of the routine or B.) missed a couple treatments/chapters/days/appointments. Starting back up again seems like a lot of effort, after all.

It's a sheer wonder that I've been taking Spanish classes once a week for the past few months and have continued to do so. Usually I get about, well.. four chapters into something, and think "eh, that was fun but NEXT!" I don't know that this necessarily spills over into people and relationships. Who am I kidding, it does. "That was fun, but mehh. NEXT!" I wonder what the conversion would be from chapters into weeks or months in that scenario. I'm guessing 4 chapters in my book commitment world equals something along the lines of 5 months in time for interpersonal relationships.

Speaking of, someone just told me today "I still think of you often, especially when I see your name in my phone." All I could respond with was "..that'll do it!" I mean seriously? I think of you 'every time I see your name in my phone' ?? No shit, Sherlock, that's like saying apples cross my mind every time I eat one.

What were we talking about? Oh well, who cares.
This was fun but.. NEXT!
M.db

Spring Forward

Every year my family takes at least one trip together. The trip is a time for us to meet and discuss the Limited Liability Corporation that the four of us have together. It's a business, or sorts, and at least once a year we need to go through the past happenings, current doings and future endeavors we plan to partake in for the coming year. More importantly, it's an opportunity to be together somewhere fun and we hold the meeting in a different location annually. This year we went to Mexico and spent time at the Grand Bay resort at Isla Navidad. Very divertido. Here's a picture I took of exactly where we stayed, as seen from the plane as we departed. Boo, back to Chicago and all its frigid glory.



It took two days to get home from Mexico. Our flight from Manzanillo to Houston was delayed due to weather in Texas. We, therefore, missed our connections and I spent the night in Houston. My parents, my brother and my brother's wife all were able to get on a later flight to San Antonio. The last flight to Chicago, however, was sold out. Luckily, my old good friend Crystal and her husband live in the Houston area and I was so glad to spend an evening with them. I met their beautiful two month old daughter, Ellie, for the first time as well. Less than 24 hours after getting to their home I was off to the airport again. Leaving behind a really warm and pleasant trip to Mexico and an old friend I hadn't expected to spend time with.

Whenever I get home to Chicago from a trip south during the winter time, I have such love/hate feelings. I take at least 3 days to re-adjust to the cold dead winter again. Chicago is such a happy place in the summer. Though I love the change in seasons, winter is just about 2 months too long here. I'm always surprised at how ALIVE the city comes after winter is over. Energy pumps through the streets and people flock to the outdoors, appreciating what they haven't had for so long and will lose again in a few short months. It's just sad to know that it is early March and we're still not exactly "close" to dining al fresco, jogging by the lake, and wearing shorts. March is always the hardest month for me. In December, I'm excited for the cold and Christmas-time seems more festive in the snow. January and February are SUPPOSED to be cold, they don't bother me one bit. But this month signifies "spring" in my mind and growing up it was when people began to swim outside again. Bar-b-q's began to happen. Sweaters were put away and everyone geared up for summer. My parents told me today that they planted in their garden this weekend at home. Winter is over for them.

Here in Chicago, however, we hold our breath and peer into the distance; looking for a sparkle of light through the darkness that is winter. Somewhere, far off, the sun is rising on summer but my God it is truly darkest just before dawn.

M.db