well it IS manure, so...

On the elevator just now, two girls got on one holding a houseplant.

Girl 1: "I heard fertilizer caused house fires, you know, like people don't leave it in their garages and stuff because it can cause fires."

Girl 2: "Well it IS manure, so.."

Girl 1 (after a short, confused pause and in a call-you-out tone): "so...??"

..and that's where the conversation ended. I really enjoyed the flawed logic that Girl 2 decided to dish out to her friend. I mean I can't remember the last time my feces burst into flames upon exiting my body. I guess I flush, though, so who knows?! IS manure flameable? Should I be picking up my dogs 'mistakes' faster than usual on the living room floor for fear of the building burning down? Should I, too, worry about the destructive capabilities of my houseplants and their fertilized soil? I'll probably just not worry about it too much. I've got fire sprinklers in this condo after all.

Today for lunch I popped into PotBelly to grab a sandwich. It was like a child convention in there. 16 screaming children being toted around by mothers who were pregnant (again). It was incredible. I thought I was on a candid camera show, for serious. I said to myself out loud "you've GOT to be kidding me" when 3 pregnant women walked in at the same time and a woman with ANOTHER double-stroller filtered in behind them. If you go to the park, you expect to see a few dogs. But it'd be weird to go to the park and see a herd of dogs, none of which came together. Same with babies, it's fine, I expect to see babies and their mothers wandering around town in the middle of the day but in one restaurant to see a gaggle? Kinda random and weird. What are they all doing, flying north for the winter together in a flock and stopping for lunch on the way?!

People often misunderstand and think that being irritated with screaming children means I hate children and/or the people that bore them. Wrong. I don't care for obnoxiously loud and inconsiderate people in public whether they ARE children or HAVE children. I'm equal-opportunity with what irritates me. If I walked into a public dining establishment and there were 16 screeching parakeets, I'd be pretty irritated at the inconsiderate and obnoxious parakeets and their owners for not controlling them as well but it wouldn't mean I hate birds or bird owners as a general rule.

They just kept filing into the restaurant. While I was in line to order I had my foot (a foot with a toe that I dislocated last week attached to it, a foot that is still black and blue) rolled over by a double stroller twice. No "excuse me" or "I'm sorry." Just a new-mommy attitude of "bow down, world, I have a BABY so all bets are off. I'll do what I want and you will just deal with it because I had sex and a baby came out." All I heard in place of an 'excuse me' was "oh DON'T you?! yes you DO! yes you ARE! oh YES YOU ARE so cute! you ARE so cute, oh YES YOU ARE" coming from evvverrryyyy mother in the establishment in the direction of the other mother's babies.

News flash: they're not going to respond, they're infants.

BREAKING news flash: While you're mindlessly repeating yourself in the general direction of a stroller, your 5 year old, sorry I mean '60-month-old' since mom's can't count in years until their kid is in Jr. High, is screaming and throwing his sandwich on the floor behind you while I try to refrain from throwing mine at his head.

Who are these people who, in a horrible economic environment, are apparently millionaires and able to pop out kids at light speed and support them?! More power to you, just shut them the hell up when you're in public, within reason. Oh and watch where you're going, too. My foot: NOT your stroller's speed bump. My shins: NOT your kids punching bag. My personal space: Not yours.

That being sayd; a mother is the most admirable job in the entire world if you ask me. I personally know some incredible new(ish) moms- Kimberly and Crystal come to mind. I'm sure there's potential to be offended by my rant but let's look at it this way- we've all had bad teachers and seen obnoxious new mommies. Doesn't mean we hate all teachers or moms. The good ones are excluded from the rant:)

Mothers and teachers are the most under-(or not at all)-paid and under-appreciated individuals on the planet yet they do one of the most important jobs. Just like with any job, however, there are plenty of people who are amazing at that job and some who suck at it completely. Unfortunately the ones who sucked at it all had the same plan for lunch today as I did: Potbelly in Lincoln Park.



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