Seven Thirty Two on the Third

I woke up at 7:32 this morning. I know, because I grabbed my cell phone to see what time it was and thought to myself "ugh, I still have another hour before my alarm is going to go off, why am I awake?!" But I got up anyway because I was wide awake which, if you know me you know, is rare for me before 8am.

It was almost an hour later that I realized it was August 3rd as I was listening to the morning news in the background while I got ready for my day. I still have the voicemail from Brian's mom saved in my iPhone's 'visual voicemail' letting me know he had just passed away. When I realized that was exactly a month ago today I went back to my visual voicemail, it was received at 7:32am, July 3rd. I broke into tears when I realized that exactly a month ago, and right down to the exact minute, I was waking up to you being gone and you still are.

I haven't cried but once since your funeral, until today. Every time I talk about you dying I feel like I'm speaking in third person. When I say how hard it was, when I say how strong you were, when I talk about the immense loss I feel.. it's as if I'm reading a script or recounting someone elses words. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the fact that you're gone. I think my mind has taken over and whipped myself into denial the minute my heart starts to hurt. I'll see something and think "oh man, wait'll I tell Brian about THIS" and then I realize I can't, but quickly move my mind on to something else, as if on autopilot, completely out of my control. You're probably just on vacation and coming back soon.

Yesterday I was in the elevator with that one annoying guy who lives in my building that we used to always joke about. I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket, like a reflex, and pretended I was text messaging as I snapped a picture of him to send to you as a joke. It wasn't until after I had already taken the picture that I remembered there was no point in taking a picture because you're not here to send it to. I was even more sad thinking of how I couldn't call you and tell you about another one of my trademarked awkward situations I had just gotten myself into: my cell phone made that obnoxiously loud photo-lens clicking sound effect as I snapped the pic in the quiet elevator. You see I had forgotten to silence the phone before my sneaky photo taking move and it was super obvious I had taken a picture. How creepy of me. Busted!

There's been so many things I've wanted to tell you about in the past month. I walked home from a house party on Friday and had to stop myself from calling you about 20 times to tell you about all the people I ran into and have one of our late-night phone chats about how silly people are. All those silly people are still around but why aren't you?! So many people running around taking up space and yet you were amazing and you're gone and the world isn't a better place as a result. In fact it's worse. A new song came out on the radio that I like, it didn't exist while you were alive. There's a movie I want to see that I KNOW you'd go to with me, it wasn't released while you were living. Everything that happened in your life was put on pause a month ago, today. It's a panic-like feeling that shoots through me when I think about life and time continuing on yet everything in your life stopped on July 3rd, 2009.

You used to get on me all the time for not blogging enough because you liked to read it. I still see your name on my blog's main page listed as one of my blog's "followers." You'd be mad at me for not having blogged in a month and even more irritated at me for writing about you and sad topics TWICE in a row. I know people are supposed to be happy to have had a wonderful person in their life and remember the good times with a smile, but I'm just not there yet, not the smiling part anyway. I'm mad. Yes, I'm so thankful for how much you touched my life and can't even express what an amazing person you were, but I'm still not done being mad you had to go. I am, however, glad you're not hurting. I'm just selfish for now. I WANT to know what you're up to. What are you doing RIGHT now? What were YOU doing at 7:32am when I was waking up a month after you left? Is there even such a thing as 'time' where you are? Can you see what's going on down here? Does it even matter that I wasn't able to email you a photo of the annoying elevator dude as a joke because you could watch that situation unfold from where you are now? If I say something loud enough, will you hear it? If I cried this morning did you know?

I want to tell you how Aaron, Scott, Jen and I are all better friends now because of how much we've bonded over our loss. I want you to know how sweet your family is, how good they all were to us when we were in Kansas for your funeral and how much we've all been in touch. I got to see your hometown!! I want you to know that your nephew you loved so much will always remember you because we're all going to make sure of it. I want to thank you for all the kind things you apparently told your family about our friendship and how important you told them I was to you; I knew, but I had no idea all at the same time. Oh MAN you're sister has done SO good with everything. The funeral was exactly the way you wanted it. You picked the perfect songs and she had them played just like you requested. Oh, and congrats- I bawled like a baby, you turd.

I used to think it was somewhat odd that people would be sad on the anniversary of a loved one's death. I realize it's bound to be a hard day but always figured birthdays and holidays would be the hardest. I don't want to focus on you leaving but I understand now how hard the anniversary of the day someone goes away can be.

I had never heard the song "Ships of Heaven" that you picked for your funeral but its words will forever impact me and remind me of you. "No unforgiven sins and no regrets just the times of our lives that we'll never forget."

I'm going to work on that 'being mad' thing, I promise.

Brian Dec 2008:



Mason, Scott, Brian, Aimee and Aaron - July 14th, 2008:




Aaron, Brian and Mason. July 2nd, 2009:



"Don't cry for me when I'm gone
Keep the faith and be strong
'Cause through it all I've been blessed
I faced my fears
And I've passed the test
So when you look up in the sky
On a sunny day
Imagine me drifting away

I'll be sailing on the ships of heaven
When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you

Remember all the times we had
Some were great and some were sad
But you know that in the end
Our love was stronger than when we began
No unforgiven sins and no regrets
Just the times of our lives that we'll
Never Forget

I'll be sailing on the ships of heaven
When the tide rolls out for the
Last time
You'll find me sailing on the ships of heaven
Waiting for the day
I come sailing back to you."
-"Ships of Heaven" - Blackhawk

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